I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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