a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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