My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
