$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
