Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
