are you so shy because you have an std?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
