I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
