guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
