The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
