you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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