he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
