Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
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She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
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I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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