I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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