Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
