Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
