I like to think it a success when the cops are called
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
