I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
