I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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