Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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