I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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