I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
