i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
