I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
