If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize