Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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