I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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