I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
