dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
