FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
