we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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