Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
