I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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