i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
