please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
