I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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