I'm lost and stupid without you.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
