Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
