I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
