I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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