And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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