My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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