the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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