Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.