she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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