Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
