how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Mom said you looked used
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
