She's JV to your varsity
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
