i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
