i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
