so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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