You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
