You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
