i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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