Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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